My history with femdom: Why I write dominant women

Hello all,

I’ve been kicking around this blog submission in my head for the last couple of days, as both promotion for The Raven series (book 5 of Project Static out soon!), and as something of a diary entry, a semi-anonymous way I can put some personal thoughts on paper about life and relationships, in a way I don’t really feel comfortable sharing with my therapist at the moment (we’re still feeling each other out, but Paul’s been lovely to this point).

If you follow my writing, you know at times I struggle when it comes to run-on sentences. I can’t promise this will be any better- in fact, if it annoys you, you may want to skip this, as it’s going to be extremely stream of consciousness. Otherwise, thanks for being curious enough about the person behind The Raven series to keep reading.

A little bit of background: I’m a non-binary masculine presenting person, who, for a great deal of my life, have been involved in ethically non-monogamous/polyamorous relationships. I’ve been asked before, if the characters (especially the villainesses) from The Raven are based on people I know. The truth of the matter is that some of them are- if you think of the cast of characters, and you can’t pick out a character in fiction that they’re directly inspired by, there’s a chance she’s based off someone I’ve had some sort of relationship with, either currently or in the past- in fact, my favorite character in the entire series, Ashley, the red-headed vampire queen, is directly inspired by one of my best friends, and an on-and-off domme of mine. For the purposes of this blog entry, I’ll be calling her Bambi. I’m not going to be using anyone’s real name for obvious reasons.

I currently live with my main partner- we’re going to call her Kay- and for a great deal of our relationship, she’s been my domme. In fact, before we were ever partners, we were domme and sub. I wore a permanent collar, signifying our relationship. Over the course of our relationship, things have changed: a combination of Kay starting a couple of new medications, and her entering romantic/sexual relationships with others besides me, Kay realized she wasn’t the domme she thought she was. Kay asked that we continue our relationship, but not as domme and sub, but simply as partners- at the same time, Kay encouraged me to actively seek out other partners in addition to her, especially dominant partners. This leads to the introduction of Amy, Sarah, and Heather into my life.

I’ll talk about Amy, Sarah, and Heather in a bit, but I wanna talk about Kay and Bambi for a bit. Admittedly, since moving in together, me and Kay have struggled a bit in our relationship- we’re still re-learning how to engage with each other in the bedroom, and there’s been some tension in other areas of our relationship as well. Admittedly, there’s times I question staying with Kay at all. We seem to want different things out of life- but man, when it’s good with Kay, it’s SO good. We have moments that remind me why we’ve been dating for as long as we have. Moments of tender sweetness that make me feel as if I’m floating, and make me feel silly for ever questioning our relationship. I don’t know if me and Kay are in this forever. I don’t know if we’ll last another year. I think our relationship as domme and sub was stronger than our romantic one- but I’m trying. I’m doing everything in my power to make it work, because at the end of the day, Kay is a wonderful, sweet person. Kay actually hasn’t inspired anyone in The Raven series- yet. But honestly, her and Beth aren’t entirely dissimilar to one another.

Now, Bambi. Honestly, if not for two big, big roadblocks, I would tell you that Bambi was my soulmate. The first one is distance- Bambi lives in Australia. Most of our interaction has come over discord over the past two years we’ve known each other. Second- Bambi has some… issues. They’re not her fault, but Bambi is prone to intense bouts of depression, and often this leads to her pulling away from me, as both a friend and as a domme, in a way that’s much to inconsistent for us to have anything long term. If it weren’t for those major hurdles, I’d make Bambi my wife. I’ve honestly never met someone who just seems to understand me so effortlessly- it helps that she’s a harsh, harsh dominant. She visited me in the United States (I know, I know, I don’t like it either) a couple years back, and the connection we shared was incredible. I can explore kinks with her that I wouldn’t explore with anyone else, because she’s just as into them as I am. We’re talking intense bouts of impact play- the kind that draws blood, Dollification/Dronification (Bambi liked to be called Madame Dollmaker. To this day, it’s my favorite honorific I’ve ever used with a dominant partner), Blackmail, CNC, I could go on and on.

Right now, me and Bambi are very much off- and I admittedly mourn the way we used to be with each other. She’s pulled back significantly, even leaving the writing group we share with each other temporality, and I’m not certain I’ll ever be able to call her my domme again. I’m not sure she really wants that with me. I don’t know if her current mental health will allow her any sort of long term serious relationship with me- but at the end of the day, Bambi will always be a dear friend, and the inspiration for my absolute favorite character in The Raven series.

Now, with the necessary context of Kay and Bambi, let’s talk about the three women who have come into my life over the past six months or so, in a femdom capacity.

Let’s start with Amy, the least-complicated by far. In fact, I almost revel in the simplicity. Amy is a woman who is about ten years my senior. We met on Feeld, she was looking for a sub, I was looking for a domme, we clicked, we got breakfast, and the vibe was good. About once a week, since then, in the morning before I head off to my day job, I head over to Amy’s house. Most of the encounter is spent with me in a service-sub role. I’ve given Amy massages and pedicures, I’ve cleaned her house, washed and put away her sex toys, done her laundry, made the bed (I even learned what the hell a duvet cover is, and how to put one one, if you wanna know how serious I’m taking it). I’ve sucked Amy’s toes and worshipped her feet, and I’m suspecting any day now, Amy’s gonna wanna use my face as a seat cushion. I do the best job I possibly can, and Amy picks my work apart so that she has a reason to get to the fun part- punishment. Amy loves to beat my ass, and she’s pretty damn good at it. Afterwards, she gives me an ice back, and lots of forehead kisses, tells me how great of a job I did, and sends me on my way. There is no deeper layer to it than that. I don’t have to agonize over where I stand with Amy. Me and Amy have no romantic future, and that’s fine. She lets me turn my brain off, and fall into subspace for a few hours a week, and for that, I’ll always happily call Amy my Master. She’s too new to have inspired any characters in The Raven series, but the way she carries herself reminds me of the woman who’s name I’ve borrowed to refer to her- Amelia Ritters, The Duchess. Shes not a dead-ringer physically (if you’d like to know what Duchess looks like, look up Venus O’Rickmon. God, what a woman), but I’ll be damned if she doesn’t carry herself with that same rigid regality that could make any man, woman, or otherwise drop to their knees in worship.

Now, we get complicated. In fact, now we get to the two women who inspired this whole post.

We’re gonna talk about Sarah first. I’ll be honest with you, if I can figure out how to navigate my relationship with Sarah, it feels like she may fix whatever the hell is wrong with me at my core. You ever meet someone who has their shit together to the point where it feels like they might save your life just by being near them? That’s Sarah. Sarah’s a woman I met on the dating apps a few months ago, and it would be reasonable to say that we’re seriously dating at this point. Sarah very much fits the muscle-mommy archetype. In fact, she fits it so well that it kinda fucks with my head every time we both stand up, I realize Sarah’s basically a head shorter than me- she carries herself like someone who’s 6’2. Sarah LOVES having her feet worshipped, more than anyone else I’ve ever met in my entire life, and as someone with a massive foot fetish, it’s incredibly fulfilling. She’s much too sane to ever be compared to Footgirl/Alexis, but maybe one of these days I can talk her into a little bit of cosplay- she reads The Raven series, after all. She knows who Footgirl is. It’s not out of the question. (Also, this is where I reveal that, at her conception, the character of Footgirl was, at least physically, based off of Professional Wrestler AJ Lee. Apparently that makes her even more of a hit, especially if you’re around my age and you know exactly who that is).

Sarah is great. Sarah is supportive, kind, funny, beautiful, and she’s one of the only people that will play Marvel Rivals & Overwatch with me on a regular basis (she’s a support main, I’m a DPS/Tank flex player, and you haven’t lived until you’ve taken over a lobby while being pocket healed by your support mommy domme). She’s very much into the soft-domme side of things, and is more into the idea of a Female-Led Relationship as opposed to a full on D/s dynamic.

Sometimes I’m afraid of how much I like Sarah. It’s not fair to say, frankly, and part of it could be honeymoon phase rose-tinted glasses, but Sarah often, inadvertently, makes me see the flaws in Kay as a partner. Sometimes I feel as though my future would be brighter with Sarah as my full time serious partner as opposed to Kay- and thinking like that isn’t fair to Kay at all. Comparison is the thief of joy, and I know what I share with both women is special in its own right- I just worry someday I’m going to have to make a choice- and that idea hurts. A lot.

Last, but certainly not least, is Heather. Heather breaks just about every personal rule I’ve ever had about forming relationships- before she was anything to me, Heather was a co-worker. Full disclosure, I’m not a big fan of my day job. Please continue to support me so that I can one day make writing my full time job. Often times, I’m moody at work. I don’t engage with my co-workers in ways that could be considered friendly. Somehow, despite all of that, me and Heather became casual friends- and then casual friends became best friends. She spent my birthday with me. We regularly started going out for coffee, drinks, we go to movies together regularly. Heather is just as much of a horror fiend as I am, in fact, she’s the only person I’ve ever met who’s into as horror as much as I am.

Me and Heather clicked because, in her words, “Queer, non-binary, polyamorous weirdos need to stick together.” Heather has two romantic partners, and she’s not looking to add any more. The romantic distinction is important. We’ll get back to that.

I tell Heather everything. She knows about all of my doubts in my other relationships, she knows about how I was sexually assaulted last year (not by any woman that’s been mentioned here), she knows almost everything I’ve written down in this post- she’s my drinking buddy after all. I can’t help but dump my innermost thoughts to a pretty girl after a couple of cocktails.

Heather tells me that one of the reasons she started talking to me is because she saw me wearing my collar at work, and clocked what it was instantly. Heather has also been getting more and more into our local BDSM scene, and in the process of her doing so, we’ve been talking about BDSM at length. Neither of her partners are into it, not like she is. Me and Heather have always been casually flirty with each other, but I always assumed that nothing would come of it, because she wasn’t looking to add any more partners- and whilst that’s true when it comes to romantic partners, me and Heather went out for drinks last Thursday, and, barring her partners shutting it down, Heather expressed to me that she would like to become my domme.

Heather still has to breach the subject with her partners. Heather and I still need to figure out what our dynamic would even look like, and how we’re going to navigate our friendship, and the fact that we’re co-workers, with the desire to be in a D/s dynamic with one another. Heather, until this past week, has always felt like an unobtainable crush that was never going to happen- and now I might get the opportunity to submit to one of my best friends, and I’d be lying if I said I’ve been thinking about anything else since last Thursday.

I really don’t wanna fuck it up. I’ve been trying to make casual conversation, almost like I’m trying to dance around the topic of her being my domme, as to not seem pushy. The situation makes me incredibly anxious, though. What if her partners forbid it? What if I come on too strong? What if I develop romantic feelings for her? (Reader, I’m gonna stop lying to you- I have romantic feelings for Heather). How do I navigate romantic feelings for a domme who isn’t looking for that?

All this is to say, my head has been spinning lately, over the past six months, and even more over the past week. I’m not certain if this is coherent. Hell, I’m not actually certain if I did enough to tie this back into The Raven series like I set out to do a the start. I think, for the most part, I wanted to demonstrate that this writing, these characters, come from a place of experience. The dommes in The Raven are formed from a long, long history of my own personal servitude to a wide variety of women- and I really wish I could tell you I’ve never been in a D/s dynamic that’s anywhere near as toxic as the one between Rebecca & Jake, but that’s not the case either.

One day I’ll get into that, buy this is long winded enough. Thanks for reading. If you’re looking for something to do, I’d love a couple more reviews of the books in The Raven series.

Have a great day. Thanks for the support.

- Raven