Pony Life

Chapter 6

Back up a bit, a bit more, more, more, no! Stop, stop! Nooooo…Whoops! Well, that’s your fault, you were going backwards too fast, so don’t blame me, " Suzy protested from the rear of the enormous vehicle. “Way too fast, wasn’t she?” the girl added, looking at me for support, while Penny twisted her head around to glare back at her from the open driver's window. At least I assumed she was glaring behind those dark glasses all model types seem to wear, regardless of the weather!

Déjà vu. The three of us were back helping our glamorous model friend manoeuvre her camper van up the winding track to my farmyard. Last time, I’d taken the trouble to make sure it would fit around all the tight corners and avoid tree branches and so on. Of course, Penny hadn’t bothered to inform me that she’d changed her van for a slightly larger one until she announced her arrival via the gate intercom at the bottom of the drive! “Oh, by the way……”

I sighed and called. “I’ll go look. It didn’t sound very bad,” I reassured our glamorous guest, newly arrived with her accommodation for the coming week. “I didn’t hear any scrunching or anything that sounded nasty, well, not overly nasty!” True, there had been a little bit of a bang, but nothing I’d have described as catastrophic-sounding, and I’d hardly have described that edging backwards as overly fast. More a case of self-defence from Suzy, I suspected.

“Okay, this end,” Sally shouted, waving from where she stood further up my twisty drive. “Plenty of room if you go slowly and hard right-hand down. Once you get it around this bend, you should be okay for the rest of the way up to the farmyard. This is the worst bit. But for heaven’s sake, take it slowly!”

I walked along the side of the camper to where Suzy stood, arms akimbo and glaring towards the driver's compartment, and gave her a reassuring wink. In reality, it wasn’t that large; enormous was something of an exaggeration born of my irritation. It wasn’t much different from the previous camper van. It just looked enormous compared to my small hatchback, which confidently managed the winding trip between the house and the road below without incident or excitement. Besides, I knew every turn, bush and tree trunk, whereas Penny didn’t. Then again, I was a naturally cautious driver, and I suspected Penny was more like my friend Mandy once she was behind the wheel. Brakes being for wimps!

“Well, she was going too fast in reverse!” Suzy muttered sourly and nodded towards the rear of the van. “It’s only a minor dent, hasn’t even damaged the paintwork, look”.

I grinned, looked at the spot Suzy was pointing to, nodded, then moved to the front of the awkward vehicle. The last time Penny had visited, we’d carefully measured her camper van's specifications against the numerous tight, uphill bends on the drive between my farmhouse and the minor road. I’d even knocked up a simple wooden template to ensure it would fit. Some pruning and trimming of small trees were needed, more as a precaution than out of necessity, and I was glad we’d taken care of it. However, evidently, we hadn’t quite done enough — not for this new vehicle, anyway — as Penny looked at me questioningly from the driver's window.

“A very minor dent, hardly noticeable. Just pushed in a little without scratching the paint.” I lied at least about the first part. True, the paintwork was okay(ish), but my idea of a minor dent was somewhat less than Suzy’s interpretation.

A brief scowl crossed the beautiful model’s face, but she quickly smiled and shrugged indifferently. “Oh well, I was probably a bit heavy on the gas pedal in reverse”.

“Accelerator”, I corrected.

“Gas pedal," she contradicted. “Don’t you start; it's bad enough hubby doing it! I learned to drive and passed my test in the States! I suppose the odd bump is inevitable; it's second-hand anyway, and I got a great deal on the old one. I bought it to be functional, not for show."

I decided not to comment further on her terminology and instead asked, “Why did you buy it?  What was wrong with the other one?  That one was brand new, wasn’t it?”

Penny waved her hand at me, prompting me to step aside, her eyes fixed on the beckoning figure of Sally further up the track. “You know how it is when you innocently take your car in for servicing, and then you get buttonholed by some glib-tongued, smart-suited young sales guy. Why the smarty-pants suits, anyway? They're selling cars, not going to a wedding! My fault for saying I didn’t like the internal layout; it felt too cramped, especially with the double-bed area and… well, you can guess the rest. This one's better in that respect and roomier, plus it’s not much bigger. Only two years old and less than five thousand on the clock, and I got a great deal on it. I’d forgotten how fucking awkward your zig-zaggy scenic mountain drive was, though!”

I nodded as she slowly pulled past me. “Big enough to make it extra difficult. You’ll be okay once you get past Sally; the trees are a bit further away and more forgiving. Take it slowly. We’ll watch the rear. It’s a bit deceptive lower down and looks wider than it is.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. Extra difficult, it wasn’t that easy last time, but hell, why am I worrying? The job I’m doing this week pays enough to buy a brand-new one with a fair bit left over!”

“Nice work if you can get it,” I muttered sourly as Suzy joined me, and we followed the slowly moving van as it edged around the next bend, unscathed except for being gently brushed by a few lightweight branches.

‘Got a great deal!’ I’d heard my friend Mandy use that same expression, and she was married to a billionaire businessman. Penny wasn’t exactly short of cash either, whereas I was one of those who rarely came out on top in such situations. I concluded it was probably part of the reason they were considerably richer than I was. Every time I negotiated a good deal, or thought I had, I ended up with it loaded with extras and add-ons that I absolutely had to have for my future peace of mind. Extras that came with a handsome commission for the helpful guy sitting opposite me at the sales desk, no doubt! Why did they all look as though they were about to attend a wedding, though?

“Careful!” Suzy called, sharing a look as the camper van duelled briefly with a low-hanging branch and won. “Yep. I think one of us is going to have to play lumberjack for a couple of hours if we’re ever going to get rid of the bitch next week. Either that, or you can forget about building the guest annexe; you won’t need it with that big thing permanently parked outside.”

“Timber!” I chuckled, making a chopping motion with one hand. “I could give Mandy’s guy, Tony, a call. His team widened it slightly during the alterations to get their van and truck up somehow. Mind you, they were well-used vehicles, and I don’t think they were worried about dents or scratches. I’m sure he can widen it a bit more without compromising my security and privacy. Then again,” I mused, “if I get his gang to build that annexe with a couple of guest rooms, she won’t need the van, will she? A car and a small horse box will do the job if she wants to bring livestock with her, just as we do.”

“Maybe,” Suzy grunted. “But we’ve still got to get the bloody thing back down the hill in seven days, don’t forget.” Then she laughed.

“What's so funny?”

My young friend girl shrugged and grinned at me. “All we have to do is open the bottom gate and wave goodbye. She won’t stop and get out once she reaches the bottom. The best we can hope for is a wave back through the driver’s window before she zooms off.  Let her worry about any bumps and scratches when she gets the damn thing home! Fancy not telling us she got a bigger camper van and talking about bigger, I wonder what livestock she’s brought with her this time?”

The camper van swung around the corner, then sped up a little as Penny pressed her foot on the ‘gas pedal’, which made us pick up the pace as the tall, somewhat crooked chimney pots of my old farmhouse appeared over the trees. I idly wondered whether it shouldn’t be ‘who’ she’d brought with her rather than ‘what’, and then immediately chided myself for being silly. We didn’t own any ‘who’s’, did we? Our livestock were all ‘what’s’ in the animal sense rather than ‘who’s’ in the human sense.

“Of course, you could always buy a chainsaw," Suzy mused, giving me a cheeky grin. “I’ve always wanted to use one of those, and it would simplify things no end, wouldn’t it?” She started to make an irritating buzzing sound through her teeth”

A sideways glance at the expression on her face answered that question for me. “Quit that and no, forget it!” Damn, no way! Let the enthusiastic brat loose with something like that, and total deforestation was likely to be the order of the day, on a par with Brazilian rainforest slaughter! Given my circumstances and the unique animals I housed, seclusion and plenty of natural cover were essential in rural England, so living on the bare slope of a stump-studded ecological disaster wasn’t my idea of natural security.

“Bow saw and secateurs!” I said firmly with a shake of my head and noted how cute the girl looked when she pouted like that!

*****

“Sorry, I was a bit slow, but you were going too fast,” Suzy admitted as Penny ran a fingernail along the indentation, a one-hundred-per-cent natural, home-grown, shaped and unvarnished nail, I noted, rather than a glossy, glued-on talon. But the woman was like that—a perfect beauty who needed neither cosmetics nor extras to enhance what nature had already provided. No wonder she had been a top model since she was fourteen and remained one, albeit only occasionally in front of a camera these days.

“Hmmm, maybe,” our glamorous guest admitted, straightening and casting a speculative glance in Suzy’s direction. “I’m sure I’ll think of a suitable way you can make it up to me later, Missy.”

“Fuck you!” the girl responded instantly.

“My very thought, she’s read my mind!” Penny replied with a meaningful wink in my direction. “It hasn’t changed much, I see”, she added, looking around.

“Well, what did you expect?” I laughed. “It’s hardly been five minutes since you left us!”

Penny threw her head back, laughing, before looking around again. “Where’s your Raven? Not roving about, is he?”

I shook my head. “Nope. He had the usual romp up and down after his breakfast, chasing imaginary rabbits, ditto again after lunch, and was flaked out in his basket in the kitchen last time I looked. He’s inside anyway, why?”

“Time to let the dogs out, as they say”, Penny chuckled, moving to the side door of her van and pausing to glance around my motley collection of farm buildings, usable and decidedly unusable.  “You don’t have any kennels here, do you?”

I shook my head. “Kennels? No, Raven sleeps in his basket downstairs, and Fluffy, well, you know all about Fluffy!”

“Indeed, I do,” her voice floated back to me from the open doorway as she entered her vehicle. I’ll need to renew my acquaintance with your cute little female pup, as well as a certain sassy little blonde brat who can’t marshal a van for toffee! Imagine if I’d been in the cockpit of a Jumbo Jet!” Her head briefly appeared in the doorway with that beaming white smile that had fronted a zillion glossy magazine covers. “Give me a minute or so to sort them out. Now come on, you, we’ve arrived, so let’s be having you. Best behaviour now, both of you. Move, you stupid mutt!” Her voice rose a few octaves in a commanding tone.

“Blonde Brat!” Suzy muttered sourly, adding something about jets and reversing that I didn’t catch, as she joined Sally and me, and we stared expectantly at the vehicles' narrow doorway.

“Sore bum-bum time again for someone, later, I reckon!” Sally chuckled.

“Fuck you as well!” was the growled reply as Sally and I exchanged grins. Well, the girl did have a very pert, spankable bottom and a very talented tongue. Who were we to deny our honoured guest a little extra room service?

“I brought some more saddles, by the way,” the soft, alluring voice drifted from the camper van. “Like you wanted. Nearly forgot, but remembered at the last minute, just as I was tweaking the satnav and wondering if I’d missed anything. Why do they make the damn things all the same and yet not all the same! I brought three of them. Saddles, I mean, not satnavs. They’re in the big trunk thingy at the back that extends partly underneath, with the spare wheel, tools, and other bits and bobs.”

“Trunk!” I muttered.

“She means Boot”, Sally told me,

“I know," I replied, glancing towards the back of the vehicle, not that camper vans had them as cars do. “She really did get the full-on US vocab, didn’t she? It’ll be ‘hey you guys’ next, I expect."

Sally laughed. “Her mum was a model as well. She was based in the States for a time, mainly in New York and California. She now lives in Los Angeles full-time. Penny spent a significant part of her childhood there and again in her mid to late teens, so it's hardly surprising."

Penny appeared in the doorway and grinned at us. “Sorry, that was a bit silly, wasn’t it?”

“Silly?” Sally queried.

“Saying it was all the same. I mean, you could say that about everything, couldn’t you, not just tech stuff like satnav’s. I mean, a car is a car, isn’t it? Four wheels, an engine, plus a steering wheel, yet every manufacturer is different. Why can’t they standardise things a bit more? Hang on, I’ll be ready in half a sec”

“I thought they had”, Suzy muttered sourly. “They’ve all got four wheels, an engine, plus a steering wheel! It’s the bloody drivers that need standardising!”

“Behave!” Sally whispered. “Remember what happened last time you got over sassy with her!”

“Yeah,” Suzy grunted sourly and then giggled very girlishly.

I recalled the incident as well. We’d just finished supper, and Suzy had said… Well, I can’t remember what upset Penny. Nothing particularly major, but as I recall, we’d disciplined a few ponies that afternoon, and I sensed the sort of ‘mood’ Penny was in. Horny, I’d say. Me too, for that matter. I think Sally and I had an early night as well. Penny didn’t say a word, jumped up from her chair, grabbed the impertinent young miss, swung her over one shoulder, and carried her, kicking and bellowing, down to her camper van for the night. I wouldn’t call Penny an Amazon by any means, but she is tall and somewhat broad across the shoulders, whereas Suzy is somewhat on the petite side. I gather Penny applied a little more discipline before getting to the kiss-and-make-up stage with Suzy, doing most of the kissing just where the tall model most appreciated her efforts!

Penny reappeared in the narrow doorway, backing out, and paused to look over her shoulder at the three of us. She repeated that lovely, glossy-magazine-cover type of full-on smile and said, “Hey, you guys….” And then stopped with a puzzled frown creasing her gorgeous face as the three of us promptly exploded with mirth.

“What’s so amusing?” she demanded crossly.

“Told you,” I muttered, then louder, “Nothing, ma’am, nothing at all. All good here.” I quickly reassured her, adopting what I hoped was a neutral expression. Suzy giggled, and Sally poked me in the ribs, whispering, “Knock it off! She won’t appreciate being teased, remember!”

Penny stood partly in the open doorway, her head twisted around to scrutinise the three of us suspiciously, one hand on the door frame and the other holding onto something unseen, stage left, as it were. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she fixed her gaze on me.

“Just an... an in-house joke between the three of us. You wouldn’t understand. So, what have you brought us, apart from yourself and three saddles to try out? How’s Goofy by the way? Have you brought him along again?”

  Penny’s eyes narrowed and roved suspiciously from me to Sally to Suzy and back to me before she slowly nodded, though I had no idea what it signified. “No, thought about it. If you could squeeze him in somewhere, because he still needs a lot of work, but the wretched thing’s been carrying a bad head cold for a couple of weeks and is hardly over it. Had to isolate him and significantly tone down his training. Pity, because we seemed on the verge of reaching an understanding about his new role in life. I expect the bloody animal will have slipped backwards, given this break his hides had from my whip! It’s a real bind when you have to nurse a sick animal, but” she shrugged. “Given the cost of the bloody things and the scarcity, you’ve got to protect your investment, haven’t you!”

I nodded in sympathy. I’d not argue the point. Illness was a bridge I’d yet to cross, as far as my own livestock and those I was managing were concerned. I recall Sarah grumbling about it once while I was staying at Mandy's. ‘One damn sniffle, and if you don’t isolate the animal quickly enough, the whole bloody stable will be sneezing, wheezing and fit for nothing useful!’

I’d forgotten that conversation, and perhaps it was worth considering. I should think about it more seriously. I didn’t even have a spare stall in the stable, did I? There might be enough space to squeeze in a couple more, but that wouldn’t solve the isolation issue. I’d been half-thinking of extending the main farmhouse to add extra accommodation, as I only had two bedrooms. Alternatively, I could take one of the old, ruined outbuildings near the stable, or, better still, the one adjacent to it. Make it a two-storey building, with human accommodation upstairs and animal quarters below, perhaps? Illness in my livestock was something I ought to be prepared for, and it strangely hadn’t yet come up as a topic for casual chat around the supper table or whenever. My musings were interrupted when Penny reappeared.

“This one plus his new best friend,” she called out with a slight giggle, backing out of the van and stepping down the two entryway steps, pulling at a substantial woven leather leash. A few more paces backwards, and an enormous dog reluctantly emerged into the opening to cautiously sniff the air and gaze curiously at the three of us.

“Sugar and Sheesh!” Suzy exclaimed, instinctively stepping back half a pace because she was nearest the door. Sally immediately followed suit, and I couldn’t blame her. Never mind Beanpole—my diminutive lover could almost have used that glossy black canine as a pony. I’d heard of dog carts, but that beast could probably carry both Sally and a saddle without much difficulty. A cart would have been superfluous! My young German shepherd, Raven, was growing rapidly and would be a big boy, but as Suzy put it… "Sugar and Sheesh!”

“Come on, Champ, come and meet your new friends.” Penny gave the leash a gentle tug and let out a low, encouraging whistle. “Isn’t he lovely, a Doberdane? But don’t worry, he wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Penny paused to consider that, then shrugged. “Well, not a female one. He adores girls but seems to hate boys, some boys anyway. That’s why I asked about Raven.”

Doberdane! A cross-bred Dobermann and Great Dane, I assumed. and was tempted to ask if she was in the right place with that thing on the end of the leash. It was enormous, jet-black, and must have weighed... maybe 130 pounds plus and stood a good three feet and a bit tall. Perhaps it would have been happier running around on the moors by Baskerville Hall, chasing Holmes and Watson, rather than visiting my little establishment. At least it was vigorously wagging its short, stumpy tail, which seemed a good sign.

“No, Champ, no…oh…well, if you insist!”

Champ did insist, dragging Penny behind him as he decided to investigate these new ‘friends’. Fortunately, he was a cautious sniffer rather than an enthusiastic bounder, so he didn’t bowl Suzy over as he approached the girl, who courageously stood her ground whilst Sally and I shrank back, cowards that we were. Hell, I mean, my Sally wouldn’t have been much more than a mouthful for that huge brute! Then he pounced.

“Get him off, no, get him off, oh, oh, no, stop it!” Suzy half shrieked, half giggled as she rolled around on the grass trying to keep the enthusiastic animal away and its large wet tongue off her face.

“C’mon, you. Leave Suzy alone, you big fool. Behave, or you’ll get us thrown out before we’ve even arrived properly” Penny dug her boots into the turf and managed to pull the monster a few feet backwards. “Now sit, SIT…that’s better, good boy, sit, STAY!” she patted the big dog on its head and didn’t need to bend to do it either, I noted. “You okay, Suze?”

“Apart from a couple of pints of dog slobber all over me, I’m fine,” Suzy assured her. She regained her feet and, after a moment's hesitation, cautiously approached the big dog. Champ quivered as if about to spring into action again, but stilled as Penny tapped his muzzle with a finger and said, “No” in a very firm tone. A moment later, he was quivering and whining with delight as Suzy petted him all over, trying to avoid that tongue as Champ stretched his neck upwards.

“Told you he liked girls”, Penny said, beckoning to Sally and me. “Don’t be scared, he’s a great big softie…most of the time anyway”.

We joined Suzy and, rather hesitantly, added our quota of pats to the delighted animal, which was clearly struggling to stay obediently sitting on its backside, its tail beating out a rhythm on the ground. I was reminded of my childhood when my dad used to light the fireworks on Guy Fawkes night, November 5th. He was always rather nervous about them and invariably stood as far back as he could, stretched out his arm, lit the blue touch paper, and then jumped backwards, shouting. 'Stand back, stand back. It's about to go off!’ I felt the same about this big new arrival as I tentatively stretched out a hand. It seemed ready to go off at any moment!

“He’s like a coiled spring”, Sally confirmed warily, showing why the two of us had immediately clicked; our minds were very much in tune with each other.

“He’s lovely, isn’t he?" Suzy was already besotted, squatting on her haunches and hugging the big brute that then towered over her. “How old is he?”

“Younger than he looks,” Penny said, smiling. “Half the time, he behaves like a three-month-old pup, like now. Other times, he’s ready for his pension, but that’s just him being lazy. He’s two, going on two and a half, according to his inoculation card.  I’d had a speculative call from Gale about my Brutus, my human pup “Didn’t we talk about Dee Dee and Gale once, that time when Mandy came over last time I was staying here, I seem to recall doing so”.

You mentioned their wedding and…and weren’t they the ones who kept dogs or bred them, something like that?”

“I remember that”, Suzy chimed in. “I told you about us training some of Mandy’s gorgeous show ponies to pull their carriage at their wedding.”

Penny nodded. “Yeah, the one I had to miss due to a prior engagement. No, sit, stay, Nooooo,” she pointed a cautionary finger at Champ. “He’s quite well trained, as you can see, but like any dog, he can get excited, especially by anything new and exciting. Anyway, Gale called me one day and asked if I fancied taking on a new pup. You know how things go, word of mouth and all that, especially in this specialised field.” She waved a hand towards my stable building.

“Very specialised”, I agreed with a wry smile, understanding exactly what she meant by word of mouth. Our activities weren’t exactly advertised or made public, after all.

Penny also smiled. “Exactly. Anyway, Gale had an enquiry from a client, one of those friend-of-a-friend enquiries that can cross continents. A couple from South America wanted a big doggie for their daughter's birthday. They hadn’t found anything they considered suitable for the kid locally; they were Argentinian, from Buenos Aires or nearby. The family is very big in cattle and the canned meat business. They were over here partly on business and to catch up with a few West End shows and shopping, plus to look at a baby up in Scotland they were interested in ‘adopting’, if you get my meaning!”

“Baby!” Suzy and I chorused in perfect unison, neither of us having got her meaning.

“As in adult baby, I assume, not adoption in the usual sense,” Sally promptly explained to us, stretching out her hand to give the big dog a tentative stroke. It quivered but, recognising how tiny she was, refrained from becoming overly enthusiastic. “Hey, why are we all standing around here? Why don’t we adjourn to the kitchen and have a coffee? Give me a sec. I’ll go put the kettle on and lock Raven in the back room. He won’t mind if he’s got a couple of his dog chews to keep him company.”

“Okay by me," Penny agreed. “I could use a cuppa, and besides, the other one isn’t going anywhere until I release it."

“Other one?” I queried.

“Later,” Penny laughed and winked at me. “Come on, Suze, here,” she tossed the girl the end of the leash. “You can walk him down the yard while I make sure his friend is secure. Just yank him back, hard, if he tries to take off!”

“Oh yeah, easier said than done”, Suzy muttered, eyeing the big hound apprehensively as it expectantly pricked up its ears, evidently having caught the magic word ‘walk’.

“How’s Miss, you know who, settling in by the way?” Penny paused in the doorway, halfway into her van again. “Mandy told me she’d bought the silly bitch.”

“You know wh…oh her!” Realisation suddenly dawning on me at that casually posed question, too casually, I thought, and I smiled knowingly. There was evidently more to our glamorous friend’s visit than a need to park her camper van in congenial, secure surroundings and renew acquaintances with the three of us. Penny was a model, and her face wore that same bland expression that you sometimes see on the catwalk, kind of serene and detached. Only for a fleeting moment, as she asked her question, but that eager look in her eyes was anything but detached!

*****

“Quite so,” Penny confirmed, putting her coffee cup down and selecting a biscuit while keeping a wary eye on her huge pet, Raven, sniffing around my big farmhouse kitchen. Raven's basket had attracted some attention, but apart from a lot of sniffing and snuffling at the blankets, so far so good, not a single growl. I suspected Sally had ushered both Raven and Fluffy upstairs, probably into separate rooms. Satisfied that the big brute posed no problems, Penny returned her attention to her audience.

"Apparently, the adult baby scene is currently very popular on that continent for some reason. Not as big as two-legged pony ownership, of course; that’s massive, and they have stables down there that rival some in the Arab world, but it's, um, significant. “Not my cup of tea,” she shrugged. “But it takes all sorts, as the old saying goes!”

“Mandy might know them”, Sally said and then giggled as she failed to dodge that long, wet tongue that suddenly took an interest in her ankle. “I know she’s got contacts in South America!”

“Behave!” Penny wagged a finger at Champ, adding, “That wouldn’t surprise me. Mandy’s got contacts everywhere!  Don’t let him jump up on you, no, boy, NO!” She wagged a cautionary finger at her pet. “Behave!”

I must have been looking puzzled, for as Sally scratched Champ's head, she supplied the answer to my as-yet-unposed question and confirmed what I’d suspected.

“You know, Sweetie, big over-sized babies in special nursery rooms with all the stuff adult-sized. Highchair, cot, baby bath, playpen, romper suits, bottle feeding and so on! Some people are into that kind of thing in a big way!”

“Plus, nappies or diapers, whatever you want to call them. You know, all that smelly baby stuff plus pacifiers, talcum powder and plastic pants,” Suzy chimed in. “Never seen much point in it myself. I mean, you don’t whip babies, do you? At least normal people don’t, and spanking is hardly as satisfying, is it? And who the hell wants to mess about changing them when they crap and pee themselves? How the hell are you supposed to enjoy that? Yuck, not my scene at all. At least our animals do it in the dirt, very low maintenance!”

“Until you need to fetch a wheelbarrow and shovel!” I reminded her, and as for talking about ‘normal’ people… as far as I knew, other than jockeys coming down the final straight, they didn’t whip ponies either! Even then, there were pretty strict turf regulations defining what those jockeys could and couldn’t do! I wasn’t a racing expert, but I’d heard of individuals being banned temporarily for overusing the whip. However, there was a significant difference between the crops they used and the wide array of disciplinary implements available to my companions and me. Then again, we were decidedly not normal people, were we?

“So?” Suzy nodded towards the dog as she broke a chocolate digestive biscuit in half. Took a bite, then surreptitiously fed the other half to her new appreciative friend. “What's the connection?”

Tch,” Penny clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “You can pay the vet bill if his teeth go bad! I was just about to mention that, hold your damn horses, missy. I was... now where was I?” she frowned, then shrugged. “Well, it doesn't matter where I was, does it? Somewhere near my place, the riding school, I think, or on my way there... or maybe I was.”

“Penny!” Sally interrupted.

“What, oh yes! Well, I was out and about when I received a phone call from Gale about my one-time human pup, Brutus. I mentioned him before, didn’t I?”

I nodded. “The one that got on with your kids, your twins”

Penny laughed. “Yup, well, it wasn’t as if he had much choice under the circumstances, his circumstances that is. I’d have been very unhappy otherwise, and he was an intelligent breed after all!”

“Aren’t they all?” Suzy added. “Dogs, ponies, babies, whatever. Intelligent, but it's hardly of any use to them anymore, once they’re under new management as it were!” she shrugged dismissively.

I remembered something else Penny had said about her human dog. “Didn’t you say he was a big guy…dog, I mean, and that you’d…you’d….”

“Castrated him, yes.” Penny nonchalantly anticipated my hesitation. “He was a big, unruly brute, but I took Dee Dee’s advice and lopped his nuts off. It works just as well with two-legged animals as four-legged animals, as a general rule. Not always, but it certainly quietened him, not that Dee Dee’s whip hadn’t also done its fair share of taming the big beast prior to me…. what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I hastily assured her. I was still something of a novice, and my friends could be so casual about some aspects of this scene that I’ll admit to feeling a trifle queasy over it. Me being silly, I suppose, for on reflection, and given some of the things I’d done and did regularly, I was just as cruel… maybe in time I’d be a tad less squeamish, perhaps?

“Anyway,” Penny squared her shoulders and pushed her elbows back, stretching with a big sigh and a long yawn. “Oops, sorry. A bit tired. I just did a themed Wild West extended weekend back at the riding school-stroke ranch, with the kids, plus assorted mums and dads, in a couple of wagons, with camping kit and what have you. I even borrowed half a dozen cows from an obliging neighbouring farm. Very docile cows to herd. Great fun, even if we did sort of circle around my place a few times. Trying to keep them all in hand was knackering, and next time, no dads, definitely no damn dads!”

“Calamity Jane not up to it then!” Suzy chuckled.

“Oh, she was up for it, alright, up half the bleeding nights, and it wasn’t the kids nor the fucking cows that needed herding! Talk about getting overexcited. Next time, mums only, no dads and definitely no booze! Miss Marth Jane Canary could certainly have done with her bull whip a few times! Anyway, back to…to….”

“Your phone call from Gale”, I prompted.

“Antarctica!” Suzy exclaimed, making three heads turn as one.

“What?” Penny broke off to stare at the young blonde in amazement.

“Antarctica, you said Mandy had contacts everywhere. I’ll bet she doesn’t have any down there, that’s what!”

“Anta…” Penny didn’t even finish the word, paused to give Suzy a withering look and then resumed her narrative. “Yeah, well, Gale and I had a long chat, and the upshot was, Brutus got rehomed.” She paused and giggled. “Poor doggie, I don’t know which terrified the poor thing worse, getting a new owner or the prospect of spending a few days back with young Dee Dee and her whips for a little refresher, as Gale put it”.

“Is she that efficient?” I asked and immediately wondered if ‘efficient’ was quite the right word to use.

“Dee Dee, oh my, yes. That young lady is very ‘efficient’, if you want to put it that way! Probably not the word I’d have used, but yes, very efficient when it comes to training doggies, big and small. A lot of patience.” She paused and giggled. “Well, with the four-legged variety, at least. Her methods tend to be more direct and less subtle with the two-legged conversions!

“So, what’s in the camper van then, Brutus Mark two, I’m guessing?” Suzy jerked her thumb in the appropriate direction.

Penny nodded and then laughed. “Who’s a clever little girl then?  Yes, I thought about it, but not for very long. There was no real challenge with Brutus anymore, and the twins were far more into Lego now than playing ball with him, plus they were older, so it wasn’t really appropriate to have him around the house with them anymore.  I’d been thinking of getting another doggie, a proper dog for a while, so I decided to…to….” She frowned.

“Rehome him?” I offered.

Penny snapped her fingers. “Yep, that’s the term I was looking for. The one they use at rescues and animal shelters; I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Yes, rehome him. Besides, I hadn’t seen Gale or Dee Dee for a while, so it all kinda clicked the way things do sometimes, and everyone ended up happy”.

“Except for Brutus,” I murmured. I was still trying to shake off that mental image of the poor thing and the gorgeous Penny, wielding a castrating knife or whatever on the poor thing. I mean, she was so…so, and then an image from her previous visit popped into my mind. Goofy had been playing up to an unacceptable extent one morning when she’d led him from his stall. Penny had let out a loud, angry snort, dropped her hand from his bridle, bent low, grabbed his sizeable ball sac, squeezed hard, and marched him straight through the doors to the pony walker. She hadn’t looked very elegant in that position, but she’d certainly been effective. I don’t know how much pressure she’d applied, but poor Goofy was making such a racket that, even tightly bitted, he managed to make an impressive amount of noise. He made even more once he was on the walker, the mouth bit removed, allowing him full freedom of expression, as she whipped the hell out of him. 

He’d been a lot less troublesome by the time she was finished, and although he shrieked and writhed when she grabbed him again, where no guy wants to be grabbed, leastways not like she grabbed and squeezed. There were probably a few million men out there who’d dream of having the sexy model handle their private parts with a loving touch, only there was nothing remotely loving about Penny’s touch that morning. Anyway, after that ferocious whipping, I doubt that Goofy retained any erotic thoughts about his situation, nor even heard her threat about what she’d do to him down there if he didn’t behave in future. Too busy screaming!

“…. a really cute kid and very pretty. “ I switched back to the present as Penny continued. “Very like her mother, petite, dark and very attractive in that sexy Latino way. Daddy was pretty dreamy-looking as well, tall, dark, and very handsome. I noticed Gale giving him more than just a single once over, and she’s about as lesbian as you can get!”

“Thirties Hollywood heartthrob type?” Sally laughed. “I used to love those old black-and-white films when I was younger, with the men all dressed up in smart dinner suits, bow ties and the like. Always dreamt I’d end up sharing my bed with a Carey Grant look-alike, instead…” She grinned at me.

I was about to reply, but Penny got there first. “Dinner suit or bathing suit, thirties, forties or… what are we in now? Roaring or not-so-roaring twenties again? Whatever!  He was something of a dreamboat but very macho, you know how they are over there, especially those in the older, upper echelons of South American society. Probably something to do with their Spanish ancestry and inherent nobility or inbred nobility, maybe?”

“I don’t think a top hat and tails would suit me, sweetie”, I growled.

“That was Fred Astair, not Carey Grant, and he was never one of my favourites, besides…what?” Sally broke off and glared at Suzy, who was waving her hand up and down. The girl ignored her and turned to Penny.

“Please continue, I’m interested even if Statler and Waldorf here aren’t!”

Penny blinked in surprise. “Statler and…oh, I get you! she giggled. “I’m not sure that counts as criticism, but certainly it doesn’t help one maintain one's thread!” She giggled again and winked at Sally. “Okay, no more detours!” she frowned. “Where was I?”

“The South American family”, Sally reminded her.

Penny nodded oh, yeah. “Well, I didn’t spend all that much time with them; they were waiting when I arrived, which surprised me. I’d thought I’d be handing over Brutus for kennelling and having a look at what pups and so on they had. Apparently, young Angelita was being way too impatient, so things hit fast-forward in a blur. I’d hardly had a chance to get out of my Range Rover, say Hi to the girls, shake hands with mummy and daddy, before the brat had snatched Brutus’s lead from my hand and was dragging him off for walkies!”

“Angelita? Isn’t that the female equivalent of Angel?” I mused.

“Apparently,” Penny agreed. “Angel is a popular boys' name in Spanish, but” she shrugged, “I doubt my poor Brutus will find his youthful new owner very angelic, not from the brief impression I got! Heck, money hadn’t even changed hands, and the brat was giving the poor hound some stick, quite a lot of stick, in fact, and I don’t mean in the verbal sense! Technically, that was my property the girl was abusing… but, well… you know how these things go sometimes?”

“Done deal”, Suzy said.

“Yeah, why upset apple carts unnecessarily. We left Daddy and the demanding brat throwing balls for Brutus to fetch while the rest of us went into the office and did the business…yes?” Penny looked at me quizzically.

“Nothing,” I lied, shaking my head. I’d actually been thinking about how casual and callous my new friends were, and not for the first time, but of course, whenever I did that, then pictures of Beauty and Fluffy tended to overwrite such thoughts. I was no angel, either, was I?

“Anyway, as Suzy just said, done deal. Dee Dee took Brutus into their medical room to give him a once-over, to check his condition was tip-top, A1 and all that, while Gale took Daddy and daughter for a tour of their kennels, and I sorted out the financial bits with Mummy. She was evidently the brains and power in that relationship, and a bank transfer didn’t take long. Modern technology in action, minutes when just a few years ago such transactions would have taken weeks”.

“Bye bye, Brutus then”, Sally said, “Or should that be Et Tu, Brute?”

Penny pulled a face and then laughed. “Yes, and no, and I wasn’t the one getting stabbed in the back. It’s always a little sad when you say goodbye to one of your exotic animals, but she gave that indifferent shrug again. “I’ve never been all that sentimental about them. I was a bit surprised that they took him with them, but they’d already made arrangements to have their latest baby shipped, so I assumed Brutus would be added to that. Once we’d done the business and were waiting for Dee Dee to finish, Mamma showed me some pictures she’d taken up in Scotland of her brand-new big baby boy. There's a place up there run by an elderly pair of sisters who’ve been doing it for years, apparently. Not that I approve of that sort of thing!”

“Yeah, I didn’t think it would be your scene either”, Suzy observed.

Penny shook her head. “No, sweetie, wrong end of the stick. Each to their own, so far as I’m concerned. No, it was her having a collection of photos on her phone that concerned me, and some of them were…well, not to mince words, pretty damn explicit. The other three inmates of her nursery back home, full face and displaying some nasty handiwork with whip and cane to the full.” She looked at Suzy. “Evidently, some babies do get whipped and well whipped by the look of them!”

“Interesting!” Suzy noted with a thoughtful look.

“Forget it “, Kiddo,” I told her with a laugh. “I don’t think you’re the maternal type, and besides, we’ve no room for a nursery, and I can’t see Mandy equipping one, and…oh, yes, the phone photos, I get you!” I switched back to Mandy.

“Exactly!” She even gave a sort of shudder. “The problems or potential problems cell phones have caused us in the past, sheesh! The damn things have a nasty habit of going AWOL on you, and if you happen to have lots of… of not so happy snaps on them of your livestock, well, you get the picture, pun fully intended!”

I nodded. “Yeah, I was warned about that during my time at Mandys. Common sense when you think about it, but obviously not a global rule”.

Penny reached into her hip pocket and pulled out her phone. “So easy to lose or get stolen, and I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t happened to me. I think it’s a bit of common sense that most of us respect, but you are always going to get exceptions. At least there were no selfies of less-than-sweet little mama and her reluctant, oversized infants. Now that would be stupid! If it were…”

“Yes,” I agreed, but held up my hand to stem the flow. Adult babies were a new one on me, well, not entirely new, but I’d never thought about them from a non-consensual point of view. Interesting, but it was a subject we could shelve till later, perhaps during dinner one night.

Penny paused, looking slightly indignant, even a little foolish and a tad less glamorous with her mouth open like that. I gave her a reassuring smile. “Now, never mind that. Who, or should I say, what else do you have in your van? Spill the beans, and I’ll do likewise re Mandy’s latest acquisition. I mean, we’re all ecstatic that you’ve decided to honour us with a visit again, or was there another compelling reason, per chance?”

A cheap little dig, but the look on he beautiful face was worth it as she glared at me and then switched to Suzy, who giggled delightedly while making a somewhat obscene, suggestive gesture with her crop top, pulling it outward as though to emphasise a pair of oversized, silicone-enhanced tits!