Lost At Sea

"Thank you for coming with me", Chris had said. Scarlett had swallowed a bitter laugh. She did not want to follow him anymore, would have done everything to make him turn around and bring her back to the beach! Every few moments her arms strained against the cruel bondage, her hands wriggled in the belts and straps that held them, her sweaty fingers searched for one of the knots or buckles. She could reach none of them! Every time Chris pulled the leash, the harness and collar around her neck tightened and the arm-bondage that was connected to the setup got pulled stricter around her body. What else could she do, trussed up like that, other than stumbling after him through the bush?

And how could Scarlett have shown Chris that she wanted out of the bondage any more clearly than at the lake, when she protested against his idea of searching for that 'city'? But in his eyes she had already seen how determined he was even before he had given her the speech. The speech itself had said finally everything that needed to be said about his fears, his doubts and frustration.

Scarlett had known that Chris had been in a bad place for a long time, but she had not had a clue about the extent of his desperation, the degree to which despair had taken root in his heart. Now that he had found words for it she was scared of him and angry about her own stupidity at the same time. How could she not have seen how much frustrated rage was welling up inside the heart of this kind man?

Somehow she had become the focus point of that rage, even though Chris would deny this fact: To him they were both still playing roles and he had made a tough, necessary decision. In truth though, Scarlett could easily see that their relationship had lost all its former balance.

You think you are being rational, but you are not!, she wanted to scream. You are convinced you have to do this, but the truth is that a part of you enjoys it! Don't you realize that there's something growing inside you, something that wants to take over? It shows itself in all the small touches and all the small glances. It's in the way you made sure my bondage was tight enough this morning instead of making sure it was comfortable enough. It shows in the way you didn't flinch anymore when you choked me with the collar, it's in the way you didn't even hesitate to put that motherfucking cap on my head! Stop it now and let me talk to you, you goddamn idiot, or you might not even notice that something is happening to us that never was supposed to happen!

All this she wanted him to understand. But with the rubber bit wedged so deep into her mouth and the hood enclosed around a good part of her head and most of her face it was hard enough to breathe. With the weight of the backpack she moved like a real beast of burden and definitely also felt like one, sweating, grunting and drooling as Chris pulled her onwards. It was infuriating: She even had a hard time showing him that she needed to pee, and when he finally understood he just allowed her to squat next to a tree and do her business there. After that they soon continued marching, Scarlett staring at the ground straight ahead through the eyeholes of that disgusting mask. She wondered if it was new or if other women had worn it before, who they had been and for how long they had been forced to exist like this.

Tied up or not tied up, Scarlett had once told Chris, I can be pretty convincing. That had been, as it turned out now, utter bullshit. She had been so self-confident, so arrogant ... and had in no way understood what it meant being restrained like this or what this level of control really did to the victim. Now that she was submitted to the same treatment the Natives' females were submitted to, she didn't feel convincing at all anymore.

They made the first stop around noon, even though Scarlett had hoped that Chris would give her some rest much earlier. On a small clearing between towering flowers and large ferns he sat down and ate some of the fruits, later took the gag out of her mouth but did not remove the hood. He offered Scarlett water and then some of the leaves.

"Please", she whispered, using the opportunity to communicate with him, "I can't go on like this, I'm going to just drop to the ground and die. Chris, listen to me, please, I don't think this is a good idea and I really think... I really think that we should return." When she saw his glance harden she quickly went on: "I understood everything you said about how scared an frustrated you are, and I know we need to find a way to leave this place, but there are other options that we could..."

He shook his head, placed a hand on her cheek, and brought his face very close to hers. The touch consoled her in a way she could not explain. Even though she was angry and scared she still felt a little better. The contact and tenderness were frustrating and encouraging at the same time.

"Scarlett, I know you feel weak, but in fact you are doing remarkably well. The food has even made you stronger. I can see it. So trust in yourself, eat and drink. Get some rest, half an hour maybe. After that we'll get going again. We can talk in the evening, but let's not waste time now."

He fed her with leaves, more than enough to fill her belly and regenerate some of her strength. It was still weird, the way they affected her. As she gulped down some more of the rubbery, juicy plants she began to suspect something, but did not ask Chris directly about it. Instead she decided to test him.

"Can I... can I have one of the oranges?"

He hesitated, but only for the fraction of a second. It was hard to tell what he really knew or suspected about the leaves, but even the small nuances in his reaction told Scarlett the he knew something. "Better stay with the leaves", he said smoothly. "I think they do you pretty good. Like I said, you look stronger. And you seem to like them. Or don't you?"

"No, I like them, sure. I just would also like some fruit..."

But Chris already put another packet of folded leaves into her mouth. Scarlett had no other option than chew and swallow.

"You've eaten enough for now, but I'll spare you an orange for dinner", Chris said with a faint smile. He seemed to feel better. His anger was either gone or buried inside him again. When he put the gag back in her mouth Scarlett didn't fight or resist, because it just didn't seem to make a lot of sense. When he rubbed the balm onto her sore arms, shoulders and neck she caught herself moaning with pleasure for a moment and was shocked about it. Had she sunken so far that a massage on her tied arms was already a treat?

"I can only imagine how good it must feel", Chris said with what sounded like honest empathy. "I'm still so sorry about all this... but my words won't mean much to you I figure. Just... don't judge me too harshly Scarlett. I try to be one of the good guys."

What was she supposed to say to that? That she thought he was lieing to himself in the sickest way? For the moment she decided to let him continue with the massage and just accept that it felt good, that the balm drew the pain out of her flesh and indeed made the bondage a lot more bearable. But still, while she enjoyed his touch with her eyes closed, she began to ask herself if she was still the same, or if something about her was changing as well.

Within a few more minutes they were on the road again. Just that the road wasn't really a road and not even a path. It was more a barely visible aisle leading through the brush-wood, suggesting that there might have once been a path, a long time ago. Since it led also uphill most of the time it was more than just strenuous for Scarlett to walk after Chris. The correct term would have been back-breaking torture. She was literally bathed in fresh sweat after two or three miles, engulfed in a cloud of her own odor and that of the balm. The mixture was exotic and spicy and with the blackest kind of sarcasm she concluded that she finally had a deodorant again, albeit her new personal fragrance might have a name like Musk, Leather, Spearmint or something like that. It's not for everyone, she thought with a dark-humored smirk in spite of the gag, but it reflects my personality and my individual animalistic side perfectly.

The good thing was that her arms didn't hurt that much and even her feet got used quickly to walking on the insecure ground. The bad thing was that after some more hours of carrying the supplies and fighting for each step she was so exhausted that she could hardly think anymore. It was like being hypnotized, just a lot more arduous than sitting on a couch and watching a pendulum: The mind got more or less wiped clean, only the next step counted, the rhythm of walking and moaning, walking and groaning, walking and drooling, walking and carrying the burden was what consumed her completely. Scarlett zoned out and later realized that she hadn't even cared that much when Chris had helped her to pee another time. It should have been humiliating, but didn't matter a lot to her anymore. When they continued their journey after she had emptied her bladder, she quickly slipped back into 'the zone'. She could not or did not want to snap out of it for the next hours. It was better experiencing this horrible journey with a certain detachment.

If this was the way the Natives' females experienced their lives then there wouldn't be a rebellion any time soon. No one who was kept and treated and exhausted like this would have the energy for resistance, and none of the women would be able to find the zeal for a coup or organized insurgence.

The day was, curiously enough, over before Scarlett even knew it: The air had already cooled down a bit and the sun was sinking when they found what looked like the remains of ancient buildings, overgrown by vegetation. For Chris it was a big thing. For Scarlett, in her momentary condition, it didn't mean much. She just followed him as fast as she could when he stepped out with renewed energy, praying that he would soon allow her to rest.

"This was a settlement once, or maybe a temple complex. And it must have been pretty huge...!" He said more, but Scarlett could not concentrate on his words anymore. When he tied her leash to one of the larger stones she just slumped against it and tried to catch her breath. Within minutes she was asleep and only woke up when someone prodded her. The sky had further darkened by now, telling her that her nap had to have been longer than just a few minutes.

The person who had prodded her awake was Chris again. He helped Scarlett up and lead her only a little further into the ancient city. The stone walls that surrounded them looked very old, the ancient buildings had indeed turned into ruins. But the one ahead of them still possessed a roof. The whole house was built more or less like a sturdy stone-cube with a door and a few small windows along its sides. Chris brought Scarlett inside and she could see that in the middle of the brick-built floor there was a small, shallow artificial pond, still with clear water in it. "It seems like a good place to spend the night", Chris said to Scarlett as he freed her from the backpack and put their blankets on the floor. "I could not find a clue yet, but that doesn't have to mean anything. This settlement was pretty large and I didn't want to leave you alone for too long. I can continue looking for my friends' message in the morning."

He lit a small fire, its smoke escaping well enough through gaps in the roof. He ungagged her again, but left the gag, as always, dangling just against her chin.

"I know it's been a long day. And I know we had an ugly fight", he said with a worried face. "And I understand how hard this must be for you. Are you... can you forgive me?"

Scarlett licked her dry lips and waited until he had given her some water. She looked at him as honest as possible, trying to get through with careful words. But she felt silly with the hood on her head, peeking at him through the eyeholes.

"Chris, I don't think that your motives... listen I understand how alone you've been and that the beach must have been hell for you. But this here is really hard for me, you know? Maybe it's a bit harder than you can understand. I wanted us to get food from the forest, but I have been like this for nearly two days now... and I can't stand it anymore! Please, please get me out of this bondage, if it's only for five minutes. Just five minutes to use my arms and hands, please. Just give me five fucking minutes to clean myself!"

He thought about it for a moment and then sighed. "Turn around", he said. And when she did with a fast beating heart she really believed for a moment that he would free her.

But he only checked on her bonds and afterwards took the balm out of the backpack.

"No, please no, not the balm. Please... stop that, get me out of this shit fucking bondage!", she screamed, freaking out now in a way she had not thought was possible before.

Chris immediately put a hand over her mouth and pulled her against his body from behind. She fought him for maybe half a minute, arms flapping uselessly around in the bondage, before she calmed down.

"I just want to help you", Chris said thoroughly despaired, a bit clueless and a little annoyed. "The balm helps you, doesn't it? I don't know why it works, but it's why the natives use it on the cattle. It makes it possible for their cattle to survive in the bondage..."

"They are not cattle!", hissed Scarlett as he took his hand off her mouth again. "Listen to yourself! You call them cattle without even... without even realizing what you are doing. They are females, they are human women, not cattle!"

He shrugged and Scarlett could, for a moment, see that he felt awkward too. But there was a strange sort of distance between the both of them now, one she did not see herself able to bridge. It was as she had thought before: that Chris was lying to himself, not admitting something was happening to him.

"The Natives treat them like cattle", he said with a frown. "That's what I meant. And you know that I didn't use the word with a bad intention. I did not want to imply anything."

Scarlett nodded - because she really believed him. Everything was bad and getting worse and the worst thing was that she still did not think Chris was evil or had bad intentions. He was just confused and very lonely, and he did not realize in what fundamental ways he was losing control.

When he had finished massaging her arms he carefully fed her with more of the leaves. At first she wanted to protest, but then Scarlett ate what he gave her because her hunger was immense and she still enjoyed the taste of the strange food. In a way she zoned out again while she was chewing. When she asked him the question that had hovering in the back of her head for long now, she asked with a slightly slurred voice.

"Do you... do you know anything about this stuff? I mean do you know if it is somehow... special?"

Chris hesitated. His hand, holding another five or six folded leaves, stopped right in front of Scarletts lips. "Why are you asking that question?"

"You told me you have been watching the Natives for years. You've often seen them feed the females with this stuff... and have seen them massaging their arms with the balm."

"Yeah, that's why I thought you could try the stuff too. I assumed it that the Natives might approve of us if they saw that you ate the same plants they feed their cattle - I mean their females", he quickly corrected himself.

Scarlett could feel the fresh energy the food gave her already and could also feel the dull pain in her arms recede a little further. But there was more, there were things going on that were hard to describe. Impossible to describe actually, she thought. I am scared, but I should be more(!) scared. I am mad at him, but I also kind of understand him. I hate the bondage, but... at the same time I should freak out so much more ... or should I not? Shouldn't I think about... running away? Killing him? Shouldn't I be screaming all the damn time instead for just that short freakout? Is my reaction t this situation... appropriate?

Somehow all the lines that had been sharply defined in the past were blurred now. Scareltt did not know if the leaves were the reason for that, but her suspicions were still growing.

"You offered them to me", she said curiously. "You gave them to me when we arrived at the lake. Did you know what they would do to me...?"

He didn't flinch and didn't give away what he had or had not known. He shrugged. "What do you suspect they are doing to you?"

"Take the pain away... make me more healthy. We've already found that out. But also I feel strange. Zoning out sometimes, feeling a little... different. My memory is strange too, I swear to God I'm not sure what the complete name of my high school was anymore..."

He didn't comment on that. "So... are you already full?", he asked her in a way that did not reveal if he was innocent or if he was not. And Scarlett decided that she would not hear the truth from him anyways, at least not today.

So she just shook her head. She felt like one of the Damned who had been offered a way out and was too stubborn to turn around. The Gates of Hell were right in front of her and she, stubbornly, would keep marching towards them.

"No, I'm still pretty hungry", she said with a tired smile. She opened her mouth and allowed him to put more of the leaves on her tongue. She chewed, enjoyed the taste of the juice in her mouth, she swallowed. She asked for some more. She kept eating until her tongue and teeth were green and the juice had made her chin as well green and sticky and she could not have taken a single leaf anymore.