Fleur IV: Amsterdam

Two days after her first chat with Van Hovens, Fleur found herself in his office again for another interview. She felt comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to show up with her swollen lips and marked ears. The elderly professor showed genuine interest and care for his work and the people he worked with and she couldn’t help but feel that his current research would somehow help lift certain stigma’s off sadomasochistic practices. It was something Fleur felt strongly about, even more so with the current trend for prudism and restrictive laws. She was more bruised than last time, but she had covered most of the damage with makeup and clothes. She was in a very good mood and happy to be back on the couch when Van Hovens started his tape recorder for the new session.

“In our previous interview, we have basically covered your personal profile and background and your past experiences with sadomasochism in categories ‘soft’, ‘hard’ and ‘extreme’. Today, I would like to go a little more in depth with you on your past experiences with things we categorized in ‘extreme plus’, current activities, fantasies, general world view and plans for the future.”

Fleur nodded.

“Is there anything from the previous interview that you can think of that you would like to correct or add to enhance the value of information?”

“Yes,” she started with a chuckle. “I had one thing a minute ago, now I have two.”

“Please do tell”

“I was fuzzy on some details last time. I went and opened some of my moving boxes with diaries and browsed my old phones. I brought my iPad and a folder with stuff, so I can look things up if you want me to.”

“That may be helpful, just look things up whenever you feel like you need to,” the professor replied. ”And what is the second thing?”

“Well, you just talked about the S&M activities being categorized from soft to hard to extreme and then extreme plus. When I filled out the survey about my experiences with S&M, I didn’t look at these categories. I did gather that they were listed in terms of increasing intensity, but isn’t the categorization completely subjective? I mean, what I found or find ‘soft’ likely has a different label for others.”

“I am aware of that, of course,” Van Hovens responded. “That’s why we didn’t add the labels very prominently on the survey. When we made our lists, we started out with data from previous research, sometimes dating back decades. Based on recent responses there, we had a general idea of what is mostly considered ‘soft’ or ‘extreme’. What we and others have found, though, is that these perceptions shifted exponentially with time, even in generalized terms.”

“What does that mean?”

“It basically means that activities that were labeled as ‘extreme’ based on findings in research 15 years ago, have quickly moved down to ‘hard’ or maybe even ‘soft’, because a rapidly increasing number of respondents report having engaged in them. For example, the use of nipple clamps was in the ‘extreme’ category until the 1990’s. In our current research, every single respondent has marked this as an activity that they’ve done, moving it into ‘soft’.”

“So, the more people do something, the lower it goes on the extremity scale?”

“That is basically how it works for research purposes. Once a certain activity becomes the norm, a number of people tend to find other, more challenging, shocking or painful activities to seek a new thrill or set themselves apart from the pack. That’s why we have five lines on our forms where we asked you to write down activities you have participated in that weren’t listed on the form.”

“I don’t think I wrote anything down.” Fleur laughed.

“That’s right. You didn’t. That’s why it’s on my to-do list for today to go over these things with you. I’m sure that by the end of our appointment, I will have a couple of new things to add to our forms for future research. If less than five percent of respondents indicate that they engage in those activities, they will be added to ‘extreme plus’.”

“Aren’t you giving people new ideas that way?” Fleur laughed. “That way you’re helping the rapid shift in categories.”
“We don’t reach the masses with our research forms,” Van Hovens replied. “The massive shift we see in the last decade is mostly attributed to the increased accessibility of S&M materials on the internet and the general inclination of people to compete with others. It’s more accessible and easier to share your own opinions, ideas and experiences.”

Fleur had to agree with him there. What he said, fit her own experiences, she thought. When she started browsing for bondage, then bdsm, then torture porn, one link led to another and after you’ve seen things for a while and they get too familiar, you go and look for the next thing.

“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” she replied.

We want to get to the ‘why’ of these transitions with our research. Did you know not all people make them? Some people seem perfectly happy with their ‘soft’ or ‘harder’ activities and will not seek out anything else. It’s interesting to find out why it does happen to some people and not to others. I will look at these things with you in your personal situation, but I will also look at the broad picture that is painted by the collective data of all respondents. For now, first I want to continue to get a broad view of your past experiences that we haven’t talked about yet, then current activities, fantasies and plans for the future.”

“Where do you want to start?”

“When we stopped last time you were here, you told me in great detail about the event that, according to you, marked you transition from soft and hard to more extreme activities. Can you continue by telling me about the time between that event and the moment you see as the time that you went past ‘extreme’ activities?”

“That would have to be when I met my boyfriend,” Fleur started, but corrected herself immediately, “Uh, ex-boyfriend now, I guess. I’m moving stuff out of our house this week, actually, that’s why my stuff is in boxes.”

“Go on,” Van Hovens encouraged her.

“He broke my trust and that was something we had that I didn’t have with a lot of others, so that sucks. He opened doors for me and encouraged me to explore.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he was more than two times my age when we met. He took care of me on my lowest point and got me sober. He had a wide circle of friends and they experimented with stuff you’d definitely categorize as ‘extreme plus’ play. Bloody, painful activities that racked up the endorphin rushes and left scars.”

“So he was already a seasoned sadist with a lot of experience?”

“Yes, he had been active in his personal life for almost 30 years when I met him. He was mostly a masochist though, serving several cruel dominatrixes through the years, but he definitely enjoyed giving me what I needed and we experimented a lot together. I had a couple scars from before I played with him, but after he took me to his mistress and we started really pushing limits in her torture studio, we just played so hard more often that my body started bearing the marks of our activities.”
“Did you feel any reluctance when you found out that he was so much more experienced than you?”

“No, on the contrary, it made me feel safe. Before, I wanted to see if there was anyone else out there like me. With him I found someone to share that intimacy with. We could engage in a level of trust that left absolutely no room to hide from yourself of the other. Not in discussing stuff, planning things or engaging in the acts themselves.”

Van Hovens just nodded as Fleur went on a philosophical exercise about the reasons for her activities. She’d been thinking a lot the past few days about how she was going to explain how she felt to the professor.

“I have been thinking about this since our last talk,” she continued. “And I’ve been trying to figure out what and why it is what I do. I have come to the conclusion that what I do is my way of subverting dominant paradigms and male-led and male-oriented belief systems. I’m embracing my wants and needs by actively and consensually participating in the most perverse of acts, creating consensual trauma, violence and sexual torture. I play with power structures the way I want, not the way society dictates to women.”

Van Hovens was speechless.

“So yeah, does that make any sense?” Fleur wondered.

“It does, it does,” Van Hovens murmured. His mind was processing what he had just heard. “I understand what you mean. In that light, can you give me some examples of activities that the two of you engaged in that you say were more extreme than before and left more marks on your body?”

“Well,” Fleur started, “he served this super extreme mistress, Mistress Elsa, for years already when I met him. And he was open and honest with me about the stuff he did for and with her and he asked me to accept her as a part of his life. It was not something he could have hidden, as their sessions always left him with injuries that needed medical attention over several days or sometimes weeks.”

“And you started participating in those same activities?”

“Yes, even though I pretended to be far less experienced for a bit, I joined in the fun the first time he took me with him. And Miss Elsa, she had all kinds of photo books with images of very sexy and deviant body play that made my spine tingle. I think she was kind of surprised that I was so interested in her books that she tried to coax me into joining their session. And when I did, she definitely didn’t take it easy on me.”

“What should I be thinking about in terms of these activities,” Van Hovens asked, again.

“Well, I remember the first thing she did was have her slave girl push three thick skewers through my nipples on each side. She skewered hooks from the girl’s ass through her pussy and used a power drill to insert screws into nipples. Those kinds of things. And I had used large dildos before then, but Elsa’s dildo’s are all over ten inches in length.”

“So, if I may summarize,” the professor said, “this was another step up in intensity by having more or going bigger?”

“Not just that,” Fleur replied. “With the ‘more’ and ‘bigger’ also came the aspect of consenting to more permanent damage to your body. These bigger things, and let’s say more skewers and cuts and bruises caused more medical attention and aftercare. Bigger things inserted into your orifices sometimes cause tears that take more time to heal, or never fully heal at all.”

“Has that happened to you?”

“I’ve been in the hospital four times over the last two years where I needed either emergency surgery or more aftercare than they could provide at a session.”

“What is your history with injuries? Did you have a lot of them growing up, or did the need for medical attention come up as you engaged in more dangerous physical activities?” Van Hovens wondered.

“I think I broke an ankle when I was 9 or 10,” Fleur recalled. “And I broke my left arm when I fell off a skateboard 5 years ago. I got a tacky cast that was lime green. Other than that, no injuries. And what I come in with these days is very different from a broken ankle or arm. I am lucky I have the connections to an excellent private clinic in Germany where they don’t raise their eyebrows at that kind of stuff.”

“What kind of injuries are we talking about here?”

“Mostly puncture wounds that had some trouble healing on their own. And I lost some sensitivity in my tongue. I am so happy it hasn’t impaired my speech or my ability to use it, but I do have nerve damage there from a session that also gave me a nasty wound on the underside of one of my breasts that got infected despite all kinds of precautions. And my sphincter got damaged, but that has healed since.”

“So you haven’t had any permanent loss of anything so far?”

“No, thankfully not. But I am very aware that the chance is always there that something goes wrong. I mean, I’m at the point now where I’m climbing higher without a safety net, so to speak. I’m going back to Germany in a few days and my first stop will be at my clinic. I’ve sustained some deep wounds from knife play a while back and even though they seem to have healed with nice fresh scar tissue on the outside, I want to make sure there’s nothing wrong inside, even though my breasts feel fine when I examine them. I just want to be safe and get regular scans.”

“So you are actively trying to monitor your body?” Van Hovens wanted to know.

“Yes, of course. What I do can only be done if you treat it the same way athletes monitor their bodies. These are extreme physical performances and I am not so naïve that I think nothing can happen to me. If it does, I want to catch it early. If there’s nothing wrong, that means I can continue to develop my art.”

“So what are you checking for?”

“Basically the same things every three months: scans of my breasts and abdomen, colonoscopy and uterine inspection as well as a wide spectrum of blood tests. Sometimes a review of my skin if it’s been badly damaged.”

 “Uterine inspection? Do you wish to birth children?”

“No, it’s not something I intend. I would be surprised if my body ever could after what I’m doing to it.”

“We’ll get to this stuff in a little bit when I’ll ask more about your future plans. How about we take a little break now and continue again in, say, 5 minutes?”

“Sure,” Fleur replied with a smile. She already knew where to go and have a smoke.